


Not Good Enough

by Yeoyou



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Podfic Available, Two Shot, post-MGS2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-05-29 21:24:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6394390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeoyou/pseuds/Yeoyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two idiots in love with enough insecurities to pave a highway.</p><p>UPDATE: Now with added link to <strong>thelonebamf</strong> reading my fic!!! I AM SO THRILLED!!! ❤️</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hal

Hal has no idea how he's ended up here, with a legendary super soldier boyfriend that can crush a man's skull with his bare hands.

Every single inch of Snake's poweful body is intimidating as hell, marked with more scars than Hal can count. And Hal can count pretty high.

Next to Snake, Hal feels invisible, like he only accidentally takes up space. Space he has no right to.

Sometimes he wonders if it's really just because they're stuck together, on the run from pretty much every single human being on Earth. Because why else would Snake look twice at him? He's nothing compared to Snake. Not strong, not brave. Not a hero.

Sure, he hasn't, with intent, killed anyone so far but that doesn't mean he's blameless. His body count is disturbingly high for an engineer. Snake might not see it that way but Hal knows. Mistakes made because you were too fucking naïve and stupid far outweigh those that were at least made honestly. Dealing with shit instead of hiding and spinning your own fairy tale of how things are just because it makes you feel better.

Hal's never been good with dealing, even after all the shit he's gotten himself into. He's a rotten mistake on two legs just waiting for the next catastrophe.

Snake's the only good thing in his life and he's sure he'll ruin that too. Which would still be better than getting him killed.

They'd been close. The _Discovery_ and deadly cold water had made that abundantly clear. Hal has a nasty habit of getting people he cares about killed. Which meant, he'd better stop caring only he can't bring himself to do that. Because he is so desperate for love and a place he belongs. Not to be alone anymore. It's fucking pathetic.

Guilt has been his only constant companion so far, the one knowing all his secrets.

Snake knows most of them too, by now, and still he hasn't gone. Hal doesn't understand why. The same way he doesn't understand anything, really, about why Snake would even bother with him. Would want him.

But he does. As inexcplicable as it is. And every touch, every kiss screams a hollow _Why?_ in Hal's head. He is sure Snake will eventually realise how little Hal deserves him.

Hal waits for that day like an inevitability. Because it must come. Because it can't not happen. Not when Hal is ready to blush every time they take off their clothes, his skin pale and draped loosely around brittle bones. His only escape forward in a desperate kiss. So he doesn't have to look at himself anymore. So he can let his fingers roam over muscles and scars and try to forget that he's not worthy.

Every kiss feels like a debt he'll have to pay back eventually. The worst is, Hal knows he can't afford it. That it will break him when the day comes. And yet he cannot stop. Cannot go. Takes every bone thrown at him like an eager puppy. To hell with the consequences.

Today over tomorrow is never a good strategy for someone being hunted by multiple triple letter agencies, shadowy conspiracies, and his own fucked up past.

He should know better by now.

And sometimes, they seem so close. When Snake grumbles and pushes him away, Hal knows it's a way out. He could save Snake by just leaving him alone. Only he can't go. Just sits there, waiting, hoping Snake will come back. And never understands when Snake eventually does.

Hal can't fathom why Snake trusts him. He _shouldn't_ trust him. Nobody should. But Snake does. Even after all the times Hal fucked up. Even after nearly drowning.

_Drowning_. Hah! It's like even the universe wanted to give Hal a sign. That this is a bad idea. That he should get the hell out of Dodge and do everyone a favour.

And yet he stays. And yet he thinks that maybe, just maybe, it'll be different this time. That he can give Snake more than just sex and backup. That maybe, just this once, somebody will be better because of him.

Just another fairy tale.

And while he waits for it to come true, he follows Snake like a shadow, blinded by the light of the legend and still longing for more.

He knows Snake hates to be called a hero, is adamant that that's just the shiny, misleading surface. That he's just a man. But Hal knows better. So maybe there is just a man under the legend. But then it's like with pie. There's an even deeper layer underneath that, that's the same as the top. The hero on the surface is what the world saw after Shadow Moses. The man underneath is what the people working with him eventually come to see. The true hero underneath, that is what Hal sees. The man who continues to do what's right despite of all the fears and uncertainties. The man who wants to save a world which has never done anything for him, who wants to keep the same people safe who think of him as a terrorist.

How can Hal ever measure up to that? He only manages to stick to the mission because he still has hope, clings to it with all his might. He knows Snake's long past that. That he only trudges forward because he's got nothing to go back to. That he doesn't really believe they can win this.

Hal doesn't mind that they're all that's left to them. He doesn't need anyone else but Snake. But just how much he needs Snake scares him shitless.

Hal will do anything for Snake.

He's said it before, thought it before, with other people but he knows it's never been true til now. That he's never been quite as ready to _disappear_ for someone else.

But when he's with Snake, he just vanishes in his touch. Once he's overcome his insecurities and doubts, he'll just lose himself in Snake.  
The worries about being too loud, about not being good enough always resurface later but so far Snake hasn't complained.

And so Hal can't let go.

Even though he knows, Snake deserves better.

Even though he knows, he's not good enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pie line was obviously poached from "Dr Horrible" :)


	2. Snake

Snake has no clue how he's ended up here, with a nerd boyfriend he never saw coming. It's not like he's ever been interested in skinny geeks before, rambling on and on about tech stuff and anime.

It doesn't make sense.

And yet there is this voice inside his head screaming _Mine_ every time he looks at Hal. Loud and ferocious and Snake knows he'll do anything to protect Hal. It scares the shit out of him.

He's no good at this. Knows nothing about real feelings or romance or _love_.

Snake feels like punching something – or someone – whenever that dangerous four letter word sneaks into his thoughts.

Hal deserves better than some cheap carbon copy of a man who wasn't that great with feelings to start with. Hell, Big Boss damn near destroyed the world, who wants a slice of that?

It's not fair. He'll only end up hurting Hal. By saying or doing the wrong thing. By not saying or not doing the right thing. By dying.

Hal might think of him as a hero but Snake knows better. Knows that, however much he wants to take on the whole world for that skinny nerd, he's just a man. Besides, it's not like his life is devoid of dangers. Hal getting hurt is only a matter of time.

If he could, Snake would tie Hal up in bubble wrap and lock him in somewhere safe. Only there is nowhere safe and Hal would never let him.  
He can be surprisingly stubborn for someone so nervous and awkward.

It drives Snake mad. The thought that anything could happen to Hal is responsible for the worst nightmares he's ever had. And he's had a shit ton of bad ones to begin with.

When he touches Hal, all he can think of is how frail his body is, how breakable he feels under Snakes calloused fingertips. He wants to hold him so tight, keep him safe so much his whole body aches but he can't. He knows he can't and it damn near kills him.

He feels like a shadow clinging to the light it cannot understand.

Snake loves Hal's mind. If he could get inside there, he'd happily wander around in it for the rest of his days, just looking. Trying to figure out how it works. When Snake tries to picture it, there's always a lot of sunshine, bright anime colours and quirky tech.

He could find peace there.

Spending his life trying to clear up the dark spaces and let the light shine through every room.

He knows how much guilt Hal feels. For everything. For his mother, his father, E.E. and Julie. Guilt about REX and the _Discovery_. And yet there is this purity and innocence still shining in his eyes. A smile that could lighten up the darkest night. And Snake has seen too many of those.

He doesn't understand it. How Hal can still be so fucking _good_ after all the shit he's been through.

He loves that about Hal. He really does. But it also makes him mad as hell because nobody should be that good after everything. Because he isn't.

And Snake wonders if he was ever good to begin with.

If he's been rotting from the core ever since he took his first breath.

He doesn't deserve Hal.

But he can't let him go.

Because he's a selfish prick and he needs to be at least close to all that light so he can tell himself he isn't quite that dark inside.

He's never wanted to be so close to anyone. Always thought it'd be a weakness and boy had he been right! Snake could handle anything. It might give him the shittiest PTSD to ever drive a man into a bottle but it didn't matter. Because _he_ didn't matter as long as he did his job. Nobody gave a fuck about him and he didn't give much of a fuck about anyone else and that's how it's always been. It was okay. He knew his place.

And then this skinny bespectacled nerd had tumbled into his life, asking him about love blooming on a battle field, dragging him out of a freezing cold Hudson and death's clutches on top of it. And Snake was lost.

What the bottle had never quite managed – although it tried and had come damn close too – Hal did without thinking. What was worse, without meaning to do it. He'd gotten Snake addicted until Hal felt more important than oxygen.

Which was the fucking stupidest thing to think. But there you go.

Solid Fucking Snake. Too weak to defeat the nerd that had crawled his way inside his defences.

He would laugh if it didn't scare him so much.

Snake is afraid of the day when Hal will come to realise just how mistaken he was about Snake. How bad the soldier really is. And will walk out.  
Snake dreads that day and yet sometimes he can't help waiting and hoping for it. Because it would mean that Hal got out. That he won't get hurt quite as much as seems inevitable.

He grumbles and pushes Hal as far away as he can without tearing himself apart. But Hal never leaves. Only waits until Snake has expended all his energy and comes crawling back. Snake wants to scream at him to run and save himself but he only ends up kissing him so hard it leaves bruises, running his fingers and tongue over every inch of his nerd, lapping up every moan and every whisper.

Drowning himself in Hal. Because it is the only way to shut up his fears.

Never long enough.

Sometimes, it seems the only thing he can give Hal is a good orgasm. So okay, Hal says they're amazing but from what he's told Snake, it's been quite a while since he's had any, plus he's fucking enthusiastic about instant noodles, too.

But yeah, Snake tries. Really tries. Which is as novel as the rest of it. He's never cared much about anybody else's pleasure except his own during sex. He took what he wanted and since his partners used to be the same, that usually worked out alright. He had tried with Meryl but then the whole shittiness of what had happened in Shadow Moses had truly hit and that had been that. Trying hadn't been enough because he'd never really felt it.  
But Hal. Hal is a whole different story, complete with reruns, spin-offs, and comic adaptations.

Meryl had had a cute ass and a tempting figure that begged to be explored and touched. But with Hal, Snake has realised that it isn't so much about touching the skinny nerd's body – though there is that, too – but about touching _him_. Making _him_ moan and beg for more. Making _him_ scream when he comes.

Snake can lose himself in that in a way he's never been able to with another person. Sometimes it seems as if he simply vanishes.

For a man constantly at war with himself, those times are a gift from heaven.

He doesn't have to muse why Hal trusts him or worry when Hal will finally see the cracks in the façade.

There's nothing left but Hal.

This wonderful, weird, brilliant nerd that has him completely by the balls. And Snake barely even struggles.

Even though he knows, Hal deserves better.

Even though he knows, he's not good enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line about Snake loving Hal's mind is poached from Tana French's amazing thriller "The Faithful Place". It just screamed Otasune at me... ;D  
> \--  
> Not a native speaker, cc always welcome!!


	3. PODFIC

[thelonebamf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thelonebamf/pseuds/thelonebamf) is amazing and read this story!! Go and listen to it [HERE](http://141-point-12.tumblr.com/post/146867566170/floating-in-the-blue-i-wanted-to-do-this-one)!! It even has _music_!! I'm spoiled and happy and can die in peace now! :D


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